watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
