I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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