I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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