Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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