I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
