if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
