i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
