Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
