She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
