Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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