Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
