fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
