grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize