I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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