Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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