New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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