he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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