According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
