I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize