Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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