you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
