I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
