Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
