I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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