he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
