Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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