it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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