Kiss
Puke
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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