the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
