everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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