Cold hands, warm shart.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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