Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
