Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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