Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
