you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm getting married
To pizza
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
