I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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