It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
