i would punch a child for taco bell
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
