That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
