I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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