if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
