So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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