I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
