Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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