I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
