Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize