I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
