She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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