i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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