Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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