we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
