and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
