do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
