Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
