and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize