i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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