So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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