Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
