just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
