wakey wakey hands off snakey
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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