I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
