Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
